woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I touched a dick in church today
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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