You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
