the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
