Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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