I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I need to calm my uterus...
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
