My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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