My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
