A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Randomize
