you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
