Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
