Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
