I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
