Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
