He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Randomize
