A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Randomize
