When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
