Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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