His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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