I'm laying in your front yard are you home
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
