All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I can't put those talents on a resume
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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