I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Found the puke drawer
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
