I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
A+ Viking dick
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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