I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
