in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
