My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
