I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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