did you make any bad decisions?
many, i pretty much fell in love with a freshman...it doesn't get much better than that
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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