Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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