the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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