I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
