You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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