So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
