forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Randomize
