I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
