ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I need to stop coming to work sober
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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