I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
