the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
