She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
