New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
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