I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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