I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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