3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
