On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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