i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
