Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
