it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
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