Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
