i can't believe i had my finger in that
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
