I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
