I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
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