Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
