Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
