What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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