The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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