Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
