tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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