We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
