In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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