Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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