Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize