his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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