I have demons in me.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
