i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
