never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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