seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
