i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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