I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Randomize
